Pilot Error
Funny Stuff!
Actual exchanges between pilots and control
towers
Tower: "Delta 351, traffic at 10
o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351:
"Give us another hint! We all have digital watches
on!"
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Center: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right to 090"
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000
feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Center:
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a
727?"
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From an unknown aircraft #15 and waiting for takeoff:
"I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground
Control:
"Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown
aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing
stupid!"
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O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, traffic
Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United
329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this..I've got the little
Fokker in sight."
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A student became lost during a solo
cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on
radar, ATC asked,
"What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for
takeoff."
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A DC-10 had come in a little hot and
thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose
Tower Noted:
"American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if
you are able.
If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make
a right at the lights and return to the
airport."
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Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for
takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern
702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,after
we lifted off we saw some kind
of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower:
"Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on
frequency 124.7.
Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635:
"Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied
Eastern...we've already notified our caterers."
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One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180
was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a
DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied
back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in
the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,
"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The
Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a
real zinger:
"I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll
have enough parts for another one."
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The German air controllers at
Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not
only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get
there without any assistance from them. So it was with some
amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange
between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call
sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird
206! clear of active runway."
Ground:
"Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a
stop.
Ground:
"Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird
206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground
(with quite arrogant impatience):
"Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in
1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."
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While taxiing at London 's Gatwick
Airport , the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale
made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate
female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew,
screaming:
"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn
right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right
there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between
C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing
her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
hysterically:
"God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to
sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you
to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an
hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell
you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air
2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew
responded.
Naturally, the ground control
communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal
bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate
ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every
cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then
an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, a
sking:
"Wasn't I married to you once?"
