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Here's some Military Humor for all of you out there who've requested it...


F-14 Tomcat

Click the Tomcats to the left to send in military humor for this page.


Military Jokes:

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"

The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"

The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference... If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock . If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to "Happy Hour."


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During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel. "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside. "Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys.  "Yours is."


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Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir." Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"

"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."


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Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again!"
Soldier: Do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"


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Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?
A: He'll tell you.


Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots?
A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.


Q: What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine?
A: A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.


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An Air Force Chief Master Sergeant and a General were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces.

The General shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!"

The Chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."


 


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"Well," snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman, "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and pee on my grave."

"Not me, Chief!" the Seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again


>> MILITARY WISDOM -- an oxymoron
>>
>> "A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you
>> least expect it.  That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of
>> your unit."
>> - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
>> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> --
>> "Aim towards the Enemy."
>> -  Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
>> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> --
>> "When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.
>> - U.S. Marine Corps
>> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> --
>> "Cluster bombing from B-52s are very, very accurate.  The bombs are
>> guaranteed to always hit the ground."
>> - USAF Ammo Troop
>> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> --
>> "If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal
>> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> --
>> "It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just
>> bombed."
>> - U.S. Air Force Manual
>> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> --
>> "Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never
>> encountered automatic weapons."
>> - General Macarthur
>> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> --
>> "Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."
>> - Infantry Journal
>> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> --
>> "You, you, and you ... Panic.  The rest of you, come with me."
>> - U.S. Marine Corps Gunnery Sgt.
>> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> --
>> "Tracers work both ways."
>> - U.S. Army Ordnance
>> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> --
>> "Five second fuses only last three seconds."
>> - Infantry Journal
>> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> --
>> "Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever
>> volunteer to do anything."
>> - U.S. Navy Swabbie
>> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> --
>> "Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
>> - David Hackworth
>> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> --
>> "If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush."
>> - Infantry Journal
>> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> --
>> "No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection."
>> - Joe Gay
>> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> --
>> "Any ship can be a minesweeper ... Once."
>> - Anonymous
>> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> --
>> "Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."
>> - Unknown Marine Recruit
>> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> --
>> "Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
>> - Your Buddies
>> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> --
>> "If you see a bomb technician running, follow him."
>> - USAF Ammo Troop
>> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> --
>> "Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death ... I Shall Fear No Evil.  For
>> I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."
>> - At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan
>> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> --
>> "You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3."
>> - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
>> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> --
>> "The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
>> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> --
>> "Blue water Navy truism:  There are more planes in the ocean than
>> submarines in the sky."
>> - From an old carrier sailor
>> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> --
>> "If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a
>> helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."
>> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> --
>> "When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough
>> power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
>> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> --
>> "Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying
>> club."
>> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> --
>> "What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
>> If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies;
>> If ATC screws up, .... The pilot dies."
>> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> --
>> "Never trade luck for skill."
>> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> --
>> The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation
>> are:
>> "Why is it doing that?",
>> "Where are we?"
>> And "Oh S...!"
>> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> --
>> "Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."
>> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> --
>> "Progress in airline flying:  now a flight attendant can get a pilot
>> pregnant."
>> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> --
>> "Airspeed, altitude and brains.  Two are always needed to successfully
>> complete the flight."
>> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> --
>> "A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a
>> row is prevarication."
>> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> --
>> "I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous."
>> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> --
>> "Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"
>> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> --
>> "Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the
>> purpose of storing dead batteries."
>> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> --
>> "Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a
>> person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about
>> it."
>> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> --
>> "When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten."
>> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> --
>> "Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be
>> held on a sunny day."
>> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> --
>> Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII:  "When a prang (crash) seems
>> inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the
>> vicinity as slow and gently as possible."
>> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> --
>> "The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely
>> kill you."
>> - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
>> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> --
>> "A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to
>> its maximum."
>> - Jon McBride, astronaut
>> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> --
>> "If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the
>> crash as possible."
>> - Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot)
>> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> --
>> "Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."
>> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> --
>> "There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime."  - Sign
>> over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
>> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> --
>> "If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."
>> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> --
>> Basic Flying Rules:  "Try to stay in the middle of the air.  Do not go
>> near the edges of it.  The edges of the air can be recognized by the
>> appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space.  It
>> is much more difficult to fly there."
>> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> --
>> "You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full
>> power to taxi to the terminal."
>> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> --
>> As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn
>> off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives,
>> the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?".
>> The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!"
>> - Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)


one nation

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